Bugger all express services on Hillside Trains (was "No Express Service on CityRail compared to TransAdelaide")

["FRISCÉ Theatre Co. (Bryan Cullis)" <rabonzo@primus.com.au>]

I live on the Belgrave line in Melbourne.  Stopping all stations, trains to
Belgrave take 65 minutes from Flinders St. direct (I live closest to Upwey,
third last station, 61 minutes).  We do have express trains (95% running Box
Hill-Camberwell-Glenferrie-Richmond), but only as far as Box Hill (27
minutes).  They take about eight minutes off the trip and only run at high
peak during weekday mornings and evenings.  Taking the train to the city on
a weekend is hell.

I am an actor, and currently performing in a show in Malvern's Stonnington
Theatre (on campus in Deakin University's Toorak campus).  To get to this
theatre, I need to take a Hillside Train to Glenferrie, then a Swanston Tram
to the university.  In order to get there by 6.45, I have to take a 5.23
Flinders St. train running express from Box Hill-Camberwell,
Camberwell-Glenferrie, Glenferrie-Richmond, then jump on the next no. 69
Luna Park tram (which are always running late).  I then get there at 6.30,
when no-one else is there to open up the theatre and dressing rooms.

Yesterday, as what often happens, the 5.23 train was cancelled.  This means
I have to take the 5.40 Ringwood train which terminates at Ringwood at 6.01.
Then change to a train from Lilydale at 6.06 (which never happens because
the terminating train sits there forever while the driver piss farts
around), which runs express Camberwell-Richmond.  I then have to change
trains at Camberwell (at 6.32) to the 6.36 from Alamein.  I get to
Glenferrie at 6.40, wait for an always late no. 69 Luna Park train that is
supposed to be there at 6.48, and arrive late to the theatre.

So what's the decision?  Take the one express train and arrive 15 minutes
early, or take three separate trains and arrive 20 minutes late?

Plus, the Belgrave is Melbourne's most populated rail line.  Yet on
Saturdays, trains run every 40 minutes.  And with a promise of trains every
10-30 minutes on weekdays, and 12 trains between 5.00 and 7.00 p.m from the
city, there are 35 minute waits between trains during the hours of 7.00 and
9.00 heading back towards the city, with most of these terminating at
Ringwood.

The State government spent millions of dollars electrifying the former
Leongatha (Yarram) rail line to Cranbourne.  This pissy little line is only
two stations long, and both of these stations are in Cranbourne proper.  The
frequency on weekends varies between 60 and 120 minutes apart.  And trains
don't run too late on this line, while across the city trains are still
running past 1.00 a.m.

Go figure.