Slightly O/T. Found in aus.jokes

["Sam Eades" <seades@bigpond.net.au>]

----- Original Message -----
From: Mr FBI <mr-fbi-subscribe@egroups.com>
Newsgroups:
alt.humor,alt.jokes,alt.tasteless.humor,alt.tasteless.jokes,aus.jokes,eunet.
jokes,rec.humor
Sent: Monday, January 08, 2001 9:20 AM
Subject: London Underground


> The following announcements were all heard on various London
> Underground railway stations.
>
> Heard at Earl's Court:
> "The train at platform three is not going to Parsons Green but to
> Richmond.  The train approaching platform two is also not going to
> Parsons Green but to Ealing Broadway. These trains are not going
> to Parsons Green despite what the signal men think."
>
> On the Northern Line:
> "Beggars are operating on this train, please do NOT encourage these
> professional beggars, if you have any spare change, please give it to
> a registered charity, failing that, give it to me."
>
> On the Piccadilly Line:
> "To the gentleman wearing the long grey coat trying to get on the second
> carriage, what part of 'stand clear of the doors' don't you understand?"
>
> At Leyton station (where a train was stationary despite a green light):
> "Sorry for the delay ladies and gentlemen but there is a queue of trains
> ahead of us so I have decided to wait here, because I'm sure you don't
> want to sit in a tunnel getting hot and sweaty."
>
> On the Central line:
> "Next time, you might find it easier to wait until the doors are open
> before trying to get on the train."
>
> At King's Cross:
> "This train is completely broken, it isn't going anywhere."
>
> On the Victoria line:
> "This is Brixton, err, no, it's Victoria!"
> "This is like that TV advert, I hope the person next to you is wearing
> a good deodorant!"
> "Have a very relaxing weekend. Hope to see you all again Monday
> morning!"
>
> At Camden town station (on a crowded Saturday afternoon):
> 'Please let the passengers off the train first...
> Please let the passengers off the train first...
> Please let the passengers off the train first...
> Let the passengers off the train FIRST!...
> Oh go on then, stuff yourselves in like sardines, see if I care, I'm
> going home.'
>
> At Moorgate (after a 20-minute delay):
> "I apologise for the delay but the computer controlling the signalling
> at Aldgate and Whitechapel has the Monday Morning Blues."
>
> At West Hampstead:
> "We can't move off because some c*** has their f***ing hand stuck in
> the door!"
>
> At Mill Hill East:
> "Hello this is [xxx] speaking, I am the captain of your train, and we will
> be departing shortly, we will be cruising at an altitude of
> approximately zero feet, and our scheduled arrival time in Morden
> is 3:15pm. The temperature in Morden is approximately 15 degrees
> celsius, and Morden is in the same time zone as Mill Hill east, so
> there's no need to adjust your watches."
>
> On a delayed train at Epping (when the driver had a chat
> with a colleague unaware that he'd left the tannoy on):
> "Bollocks to the lot of them, I don't care if they don't make it to
> work."

--
Sam Eades
seades@bigpond.net.au